Can Forgiveness Be Toxic? My Journey Toward Boundaries, Self-Love, and True Healing

Can Forgiveness Be Toxic? My Journey Toward Boundaries, Self-Love, and True Healing

By BeebzSpeaks, October 27, 2024

As I navigate my healing journey today, forgiveness continues to feel like both a strength and a challenge. For much of my life, forgiveness has been a cornerstone in how I deal with the most difficult situations—addiction, mental illness, trauma, and deep personal losses. I’ve always been proud of my ability to forgive, to rise above pain, and to extend grace to those who’ve wronged me. It feels like a marker of growth, a sign that I’m moving forward while staying grounded in love.

But recently, I’ve started to ask myself tough questions: Can forgiveness sometimes become toxic? Could my tendency to forgive so quickly actually be a form of self-neglect, hiding deeper issues that I haven’t fully addressed? These questions have surfaced as I’ve reflected on relationships in my life where I’ve forgiven but still feel a lingering sense of unease or hurt. I’m realizing now that I may have been confusing forgiveness with bypassing my own pain.

Forgiveness vs. Bypassing: What’s the Difference?

One of the most crucial realizations I’ve had is understanding the difference between forgiveness and bypassing. Forgiveness, when done right, is an intentional act. It’s about releasing resentment and truly letting go of the emotional baggage tied to someone else’s actions. Forgiveness isn’t about minimizing the pain, but about confronting it, processing it fully, and then choosing peace.

Bypassing, on the other hand, is something I’m starting to recognize in my past behavior. It’s when I push the pain aside, pretend it doesn’t affect me, or downplay its significance. It’s a way to avoid discomfort, convincing myself that if I forgive quickly, I’ll avoid the messy, emotional process of healing. But bypassing doesn’t bring healing—it’s like putting a bandage on a wound that hasn’t been cleaned. The hurt remains, buried under layers of avoidance.

For years, I thought that by forgiving quickly, I was being the bigger person. But in truth, I was skipping over the essential work of truly healing. I was letting people stay in my life without really processing the pain they caused, and that’s where I started to question: Is this true forgiveness, or am I just bypassing the real work?

Is Pride in Forgiveness a Coping Mechanism?

I’ve always taken pride in my ability to forgive. It felt like a reflection of my strength and resilience, my ability to see the good in people, no matter what they’ve done. But now, I’m starting to question whether this pride is actually a way of avoiding my own pain. Is my forgiveness just a shield, keeping me from fully confronting the emotional impact of what others have done to me?

It’s easy for me to focus on seeing the good in people, but at what cost? I’ve often let people remain in my life, believing that forgiveness meant keeping them around. But lately, I’ve realized that I need to set clearer boundaries. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean they deserve continued access to me. My pride in forgiveness might have been a way of avoiding the difficult reality that some relationships are not meant to be saved.

When Is It Time to Let Go?

This question has been a tough one for me: When do I stop showing up for those who continue to hurt me? When does my forgiveness become self-sacrifice, where I’m giving more than I’m receiving, and putting myself in harm’s way?

It’s taken me a long time to understand that forgiveness and letting go are not mutually exclusive. I used to believe that forgiving someone meant giving them another chance, allowing them back into my life with the hope that things would be different. But now, I’m learning that sometimes, the most loving thing I can do for myself is to forgive and still walk away. Boundaries are an act of self-care, and sometimes, letting go is the only way to truly heal.

The Impact on My Nervous System: The Hidden Cost of Keeping Toxic People Around

Another layer I’ve come to understand is how keeping toxic people in my life has affected my body, particularly my nervous system. Even after forgiving someone, my body still reacts—staying on high alert, as if waiting for the next betrayal. I’ve learned that the nervous system holds onto past trauma, and when I keep people around who have hurt me, my body remains in a state of fight-or-flight, bracing for the next emotional blow.

If I’m being honest, I’ve been guilty of thinking that forgiving someone means things will return to normal. But my body knows better. It stays tense, anxious, and unsettled because it remembers the pain, even when my mind tells me I’ve moved on. This constant state of hypervigilance has made me realize that I can forgive someone while also choosing to distance myself for my own mental and physical well-being.

Forgiveness vs. Cutting People Off: What’s the Right Approach?

Another question that has surfaced for me is: If I cut people off as soon as they hurt me, am I being too harsh? Will I miss out on opportunities for growth or reconciliation? For so long, I’ve believed in second chances and giving people the space to change. But I’m beginning to realize that holding onto toxic relationships in the hope of someone’s growth often comes at a personal cost.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean keeping people in my life. In fact, it’s entirely possible to forgive someone and still decide that they’re not healthy for me to be around. I’m learning that true forgiveness is about releasing the anger and resentment in my heart while also setting boundaries that protect my peace.

Fear of Rejection and Abandonment: Facing Deeper Wounds

I think one of the reasons I’ve struggled so much with setting boundaries is because of my deep-rooted fear of rejection and abandonment. Throughout my life, I’ve experienced rejection in many forms—friends, family, relationships—and that fear has shaped how I approach the people in my life. For years, I believed that keeping people around, even those who hurt me, was better than being alone. But now, I realize that by holding onto toxic relationships, I was abandoning myself.

Letting go of toxic people doesn’t mean I’m rejecting them; it means I’m choosing myself. I’m learning to show up for myself in ways I never did before—by protecting my peace, honoring my worth, and surrounding myself with people who truly value me. The fear of abandonment no longer has the same power over me because I know that I deserve better.

What Would My Life Look Like Without Toxicity?

As I move forward in this journey, I’ve started asking myself: What would my life look like if I cut out all the toxicity? The thought is both liberating and terrifying. I’ve spent so much of my life entangled in dynamics that drain me, relationships that leave me feeling depleted and unsafe. Letting go feels overwhelming, like stepping into the unknown.

But it also feels like freedom. By releasing toxic relationships, I’m making room for something greater. I’m giving myself the chance to invest 100% of my energy into my own growth, healing, and potential. I’m creating a life where I’m surrounded by people who uplift, support, and truly care for me.

Choosing Myself: Forgiveness and Boundaries

What I’m learning, in this present moment, is that forgiveness and boundaries can coexist. I don’t have to choose between being kind and being firm. I can forgive with love and grace while also protecting my peace. I can release the resentment, but still, make the decision to move forward without certain people in my life.

The biggest lesson I’ve come to embrace is this: I am worthy of love, respect, and peace. I deserve relationships that are nourishing, not draining. And sometimes, the most profound act of forgiveness is forgiving myself for not setting boundaries sooner—and then doing the work to protect my heart moving forward.

If you’re in a similar place, struggling between forgiveness and boundaries, I hope this resonates with you. It’s okay to forgive, but it’s also okay to let go. We deserve to be surrounded by people who honor our worth, and the first person to do that should always be ourselves.